i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
