I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
