Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
