Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
