didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
