my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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