im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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