I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
