I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
