I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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