I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
