his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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