so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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