just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
