Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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