I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
