how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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