everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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