Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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