I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
