Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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