Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
