What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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