So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
