like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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