i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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