I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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