woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
