what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
