i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
