Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He better not be in your backpack
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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