The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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