I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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