I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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