"it" just moved
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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