All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
