i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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