At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
not ubering you a puppy
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
