Your mouth is God's brothel.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
