Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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