Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
