in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
