I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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