I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
