I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
