i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
