just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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