my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
