Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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