Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This is the high leading the old right now
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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