So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
