apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
