Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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