and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
