Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
