the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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