You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize