We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
