last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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