On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Randomize
