I want to have your abortion
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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