I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
