so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You pole danced in your parka.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize