What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
