My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize