Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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