I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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